


WakaranAi

by Akaicchi



Series: Wakatta [1]
Category: Persona 4
Genre: Age Difference, Denial of Feelings, Flash Fic, Lime, M/M, POV First Person, Slow Burn, Wakatta Verse, boundary testing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-10
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-12-26 05:54:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12052701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akaicchi/pseuds/Akaicchi
Summary: Post-canon. Kanji begins hanging out at the Dojimas’ often, as he stated he wanted to do more projects with Nanako when she was in the hospital. He starts to hang around with Ryoutarou himself more and more, and the two realize a bit too late that they’re falling for each other.Fifteen vignettes, all under 1k words. Spans two years. Narrated by Kanji and Ryoutarou.“M” for one short scene in Chapter Fourteen. Rest is “T”.“Wakaranai” – “I/We Don’t Understand”“Wakaran Ai” – “I/We Don’t Get Love”





	1. Kanji

**Author's Note:**

> This was a writing exercise for myself to craft vignettes all under a thousand words a piece, while slowly building a story. These are my two favorite characters from Persona 4, so of course I had to try and ship them! I like the way it turned out and hope you enjoy.
> 
> The two titles are pronounced the same but the meanings differ slightly: 分からない ("I/We Don’t Understand") and 分からん愛 (“I/We Don’t Get Love”).
> 
> All chapters have been written and will post daily. Fourteen chapters and an epilogue.
> 
> Beta'd by Milligramme! THANK YOU!!! (http://archiveofourown.org/users/Milligramme)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji visits the Dojimas' and plays with Nanako while Ryoutarou works. She gets hurt and Ryoutarou freaks out.

** Chapter One: Kanji **

Things have been kind of down at Nanako’s house since Senpai left. Dojima's seemed like he's in a worse mood than usual, and poor Nanako is often stuck home alone all day on Sundays.

When I arrive, the neighborhood is awfully quiet. I don't even see the dog that's normally outside. I ring the doorbell and wait, feeling a little nervous cause I didn’t call first— _Don’t actually have their number. I only heard about Nanako from the other senpai._

"Who the hell is it?" Dojima calls out in aggravation, gruffly opening the door.

"S'Kanji," I tell him, shoving my hands into my pockets. "Who else would visit your lame ass?" I mean it as a joke, but he glares back at me. " _Uhh_ , you know I'm kidding, right?"

Dojima stares blankly for a minute, but then smacks his forehead. "Yes— _Right_. Of course, Kanji," he says. "We're always glad to have you— _Nanako!!_ "

_'Glad to have me'?_

_Bullshit!! You're yelling for Nanako the second I’m in front of you so you don't have to deal with me!_

"Have fun," Dojima mumbles, opening the door wider.

_I get it—To a cop I’ll always be a pain in the ass._

Once I step inside, he leaves the door for me to lock and settles in at the tall table with his pile of work that never seems to get smaller. I see Dojima rub his eyes and gulp down coffee.

The constant paperwork did decrease for a while last year, but I’ve heard lately he's back at it all the time. _Though he still never seems to make a dent..._

Nanako comes into the room all smiles. “Kanji! Let’s go outside,” she calls over, carrying a soccer ball. I agree and we head out to the backyard. I brought some projects, but she seems more excited to have someone to play outdoors with.

We come back in after Nanako trips on a rock that was at a funny angle. Of course she’s not crying, but she scraped her elbow bad enough that it’s bleeding. I’m not worried about the cut as much as I am that Dojima is gonna be really angry.

“Yo!” I shout, unsure where the man went. “Where’s the first aid kit?” I check in the bathroom but I don’t see it. Nanako’s sitting on the couch holding a paper towel to the cut.

“It’s over there,” Nanako tells me, pointing with her free hand. I clean it gently and grab a roll of gauze. The kid shrugs at me so I just wrap it until the whole thing’s covered. _Better safe than sorry, I guess._

Dojima walks in from the garage while I’m putting the kit away. “What happened?!” he yells when he sees all the bandages. He drops a bag of groceries and rushes over. “How did you fall? Is it still bleeding? Can you move it?” He peppers the poor girl with questions while she gapes, feeling totally fine.

“It’s nothing,” I say from behind them. “Just a little—”

“Yeah, it’s only this big,” Nanako gestures where she got hurt and Dojima wheels on me, super angry.

“Then _what’s_ with all the damn gauze?!” he growls. “I almost had a heart attack!”

I back up a few steps. “S-sorry! I didn’t know what to do.”

He sighs and rubs his forehead, calming down now that he knows there isn’t anything really wrong. “ _It’s_ —Don’t worry about it.” _I think that’s his version of an apology._

Dojima takes the gauze off gently and checks out the slightly-bloody scrapes. He discards what I used and motions for me to get the first aid kit out again. He rewraps her arm carefully, using a much smaller amount than I did and securing it with a small piece of medical tape.

“All better?” he asks Nanako, even though she still hasn’t given much of a sign it even bothers her.

She nods and glances over at me. “Are you mad at Kanji?”

“What?” Dojima balks. “ _Ah_ , no. I was worried because I thought you got hurt.”

“Then why did you yell at him?” she demands, gaining steam and staring distrustfully at her father.

Dojima looks back at me. “I trusted him to take care of you and I thought you got hurt,” he plainly admits. “So yes, I suppose I did yell at him...”

_Huh._

“I’m sorry,” Dojima grudgingly apologizes, folding his arms like a kid.

“Don’t worry,” I tell him, laughing a little. “We had fun, right?” I grin at Nanako and walk over to the couch again. “I’ll come back soon and bring those animals I was telling you about.”

She smiles back and I decide it’s time to get moving. “I’ll take off,” I say to the two of them. “We’ll be more careful next time.”


	2. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji dyes his hair back and both Doujimas are surprised. Kanji and Nanako bake cookies.

** Chapter Two: Kanji **

Right before the new school year starts, I dye my hair back. It's been blond for so long that it's not in great condition. The new coat of black affirms this, making everything fall more flat than before.

I look in the mirror and sigh. The senpai will probably laugh at me. _I don't know who I'm fooling, trying to be a serious guy._

Because I dye it Saturday night, I won’t need to worry about how terrible it looks on Monday. Like a new haircut, a dye job always seems the worst during the first twenty-four hours.

With nothing to do—and not wanting to run into the senpai—I decide to bike over to the Dojimas'. _Maybe I can play with Nanako for a while._

I throw some of the knit dolls I just finished into my backpack and wonder which animal she'll like best. _Having Nanako around is almost like having my own little sister. I get to play with her and she helps me pick which designs I should make more of. It's a lot of fun._

When I arrive, I ring the bell and wait till someone comes. It's Nanako this time.

"Woah!!" she cheers, surprised to see me like this. "Kanji?" the kid timidly questions.

"Yup!" I nod, bending down to hug her. She doesn't seem to care about the hug at all, though, instead reaching up to pet my head.

"This is really yours?" she dubiously quizzes, sounding like she thinks I'm tricking her. "It feels funny..."

I laugh. "It will until my regular hair grows out. Till then, it'll be all weird."

"Hmm," Nanako assesses it one more time and then allows me into the house. "Will you help me cook something today?"

"Sure," I nod. "What do you want to make?"

She shows me a picture from a storybook of what looks like a bunch of sugar cookies with pretzels pressed into the tops. "We can definitely do that!" I smile at her. “I can bake really well, you know!”

Nanako breaks out in a grin. "Good! I think we have everything, except the pretzels." She points to the counter where most of the necessary ingredients are laid out all neatly. "We don't keep snack food around."

"Okay," I tell her. "Let's go buy some. There's a konbini down the road, right?"

"I'm not allowed," she sadly replies. "But I'll call Dad and ask him to buy them for us." I watch Nanako walk over to the phone and dial the number. She answers a few questions and is passed around to different people until I assume she has Dojima, because she asks for a small bag of pretzels.

After she hangs up, Nanako turns to me and very seriously tells me that Dojima said he'll “try to get them on his way home”. _Like pretzels are hard to come by. Lazy ass can't just do it?_

_And we can't go on our own or she'll get in trouble?_

_That's not fair..._

I shake it off and we play tag until it gets dark. Then I help Nanako grill some fish for dinner. The ingredients for the cookies are still untouched on the counter when Dojima finally arrives home around eight.

He says hello to us, looking surprised to see me. I bow politely in return.

When he carries the pretzels over, Dojima inspects me in a really disconcerting way. He frowns, like he's mad before chuckling and ruffling my hair. "Doesn't suit you," he remarks and walks away, heading upstairs and leaving us alone.

Nanako and I portion out the ingredients and mix ‘em all together. We’re careful not to make a mess. When they're in the tiny oven, the two of us sit down at the tall table to wait.

“I hate that I’m not allowed to leave on my own,” Nanako confides, a sullen expression on her face.

“Seems frustrating,” I nod. “Because I live right in town, it was always easy for me when I needed to run out—Always people around, so my parents didn’t mind.”

She takes that in, her face relaxing as she tries to compare living out in the suburbs to right in the Shopping District. “Do you have a yard?” Nanako finally asks.

“A small one,” I laugh and we change the subject.

When the oven dings, I take out the tray while Nanako stands nearby, watching intently. We peel the cookies off and place them in boxes. I wrap up a few in a paper towel to bring back with me.

When I’m getting ready to go, Dojima reappears. He looks at our work and says the normal niceties.

He picks up one of the cookies and inspects it. “You had to wait a long time for me, didn’t you?” he sighs. "I’m always keeping people waiting...” He looks between the two of us very seriously “You’re allowed to cook on your own. I guess you two can go together from now on, alright?" Dojima says, biting into the dessert.

Nanako whoops and I give her a high-five. I stick the cookies in my pocket and Dojima laughs.

“You want a bag?” he asks me.

“I’m fine,” I shrug it off and head out the door.

Before I go, Dojima writes down his cell number for me, saying to leave a message if we go out so he’ll know where his daughter is. Nanako waves and Dojima tells me to be careful of cars in the dark.


	3. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryoutarou comes home to late to find Kanji is over, still playing with Nanako. She gets upset when Kanji says he should take off. Kanji tells Ryoutarou that Nanako has been complaining of being lonely, and then the two hang out for a while.

** Chapter Three: Ryou **

I’m home way too late.

_I miss my nephew more than I expected._

_I miss being able to slip away and have some time to myself._

_I miss people who make me less miserable._

But those days are over.

_Yuu's gone home._

_Tohru's going to prison._

I’m only me; back where I started. With a job I use as an excuse to avoid the daughter I can’t deal with.

_I'm a shit parent. A murderer was better with her. More well-suited to connect to this little person I'm supposed to be innately close with._

I open the breezeway, expecting darkness and long-cold leftovers. I'm surprised to find that several lights are on and there's the sound of singing drifting over to me.

I walk to the table, miffed that someone's making a racket and Nanako isn't in bed— _Who's even here so late?!_

My question is answered when I hear big feet pounding the stairs. Kanji gallops into sight with Nanako on his shoulders. They're giggling and belting some song.

They stop dead—don't even finish the line—when they see me. "S-sorry," the big kid mumbles, prying Nanako off and setting her down.

She appears contrite, fidgeting and hanging onto Kanji's hand while she stares at the floor. "We were just shutting the lights," Nanako finally breaks the silence.

"Y-y-yeah," Kanji stutters. "I was gonna get her to bed and head home."

"No!" Nanako complains, and the two of us jump a little. "Kanji, _stay_ ," my daughter pleads, not letting him go.

He’s shocked, and jiggles their hands. "Hey," he says. "I've gotta get home—Your dad's here now. I said I'd stay till then."

"You did?" I interrupt and they both look over at me.

Kanji nods and Nanako sleepily repeats her rare demand, stubbornly clasping his hand even though he's obviously trying to get away. _Probably thinks I'm angry._

_He really came all this way because Nanako was lonely?_

“He can—” I groan. “Tonight only. It’s almost eleven..."

"Really?" my daughter lights up the way she would when Yuu or— _someone_ —would tuck her in and read.

I nod. "But you have to go to bed."

Nanako nods and Kanji scoops her up. He grins and starts some song about a giraffe.

_I really don't understand this guy. He always tries to give off that tough-guy aura, but here he is singing a cute song to my seven-year-old._

They clomp away and I can hear Nanako telling Kanji which book she wants. He promises a sillier version and they skip most pages, making it up themselves.

_How is it so simple for everyone else? Do I lack some fundamental skill?_

I take a blanket and pillow and set them on the couch. I can see Kanji's own homework has been covered up with a bead project and half-finished felt... Things.

_How does he even know what he's making? They look completely formless to me._

Back downstairs, Kanji immediately apologizes and starts to shove everything into his bag. "I saw Nanako on the way home from school and she said she really misses Senpai, so I told her I'd come over."

"Don't worry so much," I tell him, taking a beer out of the refrigerator. "What is all that anyhow?"

"This?" he points to the beads.

I nod. "The rest of it, too." I guzzle half the can and take a seat at the low table. _Maybe I'll learn something._

Kanji grins and picks up stray beads to stick into a zippered pouch. "These are gonna be lizards," Kanji points to the tied-off strings of beads.

"And, well, I didn't have the stuffing on me, but these are gonna be little penguins. I'll finish them at home and bring 'em back." He holds one up for me and beams. "Cool, right?"

"You just _happened_ to have all of these crafting supplies on you?" I question. "Like a waking Tokyu Hands?" I laugh, finishing my drink.

His face falls and I immediately regret the joke. Kanji cleans the rest up in silence and I crush the empty can in my hand.

_What'd I do? I was just messing around—Didn't mean to hurt his feelings._

I pitch the mangled can and grab another. Kanji’s cleaned up and is finishing his homework. He looks up at me when I’m sitting again.

"I like teaching people how to make things," Kanji quietly admits. "It's a lot of fun, and I notice kids who are bored. I give 'em something fun to do so they don't get into trouble."

I nod thoughtfully. _That's a nice service. A lot of kids need to keep their hands busy—Or they take it out on others._

Sipping my drink in silence, I wonder where someone like Kanji learned all this. _His folks own the textile shop, but this goes beyond fabric._

I glance at his stuffed backpack. _So many..._

"Sorry I stayed so late," Kanji tells me and only then do I realize I haven't said anything for almost an hour. "I'll make sure to clear out earlier next time. Don't wanna cause trouble." He taps his pencil on a notebook covered in scratch-work and tries to smile at me.

_Still looks pretty down—_

"No," I reply. " _I'm_ sorry. You take the time to do projects and play with my daughter. It's nice. There aren't a lot of people like that in our lives."

Kanji nods and shuffles his notebooks into his bag. "It's not a problem. I love kids."

I toss my current can and decide it's time to go to bed. "I'll leave on the hall light. We have breakfast at seven. Be ready by then."

"G'night," Kanji yawns.

I try to quietly creep by Nanako's room without waking her. _I should've been asleep a lot earlier. Should've been home a lot earlier._

_Don't want Nanako to be lonely._

_Don't want Kanji to feel like a burden—Practically takes care of my kid for me._

_Don't want to disappoint everyone this time._


	4. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji stays for dinner with the Dojimas. And Nanako starts asking the questions children ask.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have time, please let me know what you are liking or disliking :)
> 
> If you're wondering, the chapter count does even out: Kanji has eight and Ryoutarou has seven.

** Chapter Four: Kanji **

It's getting late, and I'm doing Nanako's homework with her. We're joking and fooling around, only stopping when Dojima finally arrives.

I feel annoyed. _It's way too late for the parent of a seven year old to just be getting home._

But then I notice the bags under his eyes and the tired way he calls. "I'm back," yawning while he takes off his shoes. And I feel bad: it isn't my place to be angry at a single parent trying to do his best.

"Welcome home," Nanako enthusiastically replies, jumping up when she sees that Dojima is carrying takeout.

 _Smells great..._ _Like eel or something else tasty._

I spin a pencil between my fingers, trying to get my mind off the food. But of course I can't. "What're you guys having for dinner, Dojima-san?" I ask. "Should I take off?"

"No, it's—" he sighs. He makes a face like he’s pissed I even _asked._

"Why do you do that?" Nanako interrupts before he can go on. She looks right at me with a confused expression.

We both turn to her. "Why do I do what?" I blankly question, unsure what she's talking about.

Nanako looks back and forth between us, seeming less sure of herself. Dojima nods for her to ask whatever it is. "You always call me 'Nanako', but you call Dad 'Dojima'—That's dumb," she tells us. "We're _both_ Dojima!"

She’s so serious about this that I don't know how to respond. I defer to Dojima, who drags a hand down his face and sighs like it’s a big pain. "Because it's _polite_ ," he explains. "And we don't call things 'dumb'."

Nanako scrunches up her face, unhappy she got scolded. "Oh..." She folds her little arms across her chest and frowns.

Dojima makes another exasperated noise like _everything_ is a huge pain. He sets three boxes down on the table and motions Nanako over to help get drinks. When I grab my jacket, he shakes his head. "Kanji—Get over here. There's plenty for you, too."

Surprised, I put my jacket back down and walk to the tall table and take a seat. Dojima passes out chopsticks and sits, peering at me over his food. "You can call me Ryou," he cautiously declares. "You've been hanging around a lot and I really appreciate it—I know Nanako does, too. That's why..." He gestures to the fancy food and I nod, unsure what to say.

"Thanks," I finally manage.

"It's not a big deal," Ryou shakes his head. "It's nice to have another person around."

Nanako nods solemnly and I give her a high five. "I like being around."

“Good,” she tells me, grinning. Ryou smiles awkwardly at us.


	5. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji bikes over during a heat wave. (Why is it always a heat wave with me??) Ryou gives him his old scooter.

** Chapter Five: Ryou **

It’s boiling out today. Summer came earlier than expected.

Nanako and I feel like we’re going to die sitting around the house and debate driving to Junes. _We could wander the aisles to get into air conditioning for a little while. Even a half hour would be better than this. The car ride over would be nice, too._

_Certainly not walking anywhere today..._

The doorbell rings a bunch of times, jolting me from dozing on the couch. Nanako’s sleeping with her head on the low table; still out even with the relentless sounding of the high-pitched electronic chime.

I open the door to Kanji. He’s panting and dripping sweat. He pushes past me to stick his head under the kitchen faucet, and _damn_ does he leave a smell behind himself! I looks outside and see that he’s discarded his bicycle in front of the garage.

_He rode that thing all the way here in this??_

“Are you going to live?” I manage to ask him when he stands back up. “Take some ice out of the freezer or something—Please. I’m getting heat stroke just looking at you.”

He takes the tray of ice cubes and dumps some into a glass. Then he slides down in front of the counter and chews on them while he cools off. "Wanted to... See you... Guys, Ryou.” Kanji looks like he’s going to pass out. “Nanako!” he tries to call at the end.

_Well that's..._

_Dumb damn—_

"Why didn't you _call_?" I scoff. "I would've picked you up..." I gaze down at the poor sap; looks like he's melting.

"Naah—" he wheezes. "I'm... Fine..." He pours the rest of the ice in his mouth and chews, spraying chips everywhere.

I sigh and pour him another glass of water. "Here, drink."

"Is... Is Nanako even alive?" Kanji asks after he finishes drinking. He sounds slightly revived. "She hasn't said anything."

I glance over and call out my daughter's name. She raises one hand and drops it back down. "She'll live." I gently nudge one of Kanji's gigantic feet—

_I forget the brat's even bigger than me._

"Don't do something stupid like this again." I halfheartedly attempt to kick him again, but Kanji catches my foot and rips off my sandal.

"Kick me again and I throw it," he brazenly declares, suddenly seeming much better.

Agitated, I frown and kick him harder. Kanji weakly throws my sandal. It lands about a foot away.

He grins disarmingly. "Warned you."

I hear Nanako giggle as I roll my eyes and retrieve the indoor shoe. Kanji takes the opportunity to abandon all politeness and lie down on the floor, his arm stretched towards the living room.

"Nanako, I'm not gonna make it!" he dramatically shouts. She laughs again and I catch myself smiling.

_I do wish there were something I could do..._

_He comes here all the time. I feed him and I let him sleep on the couch, but it's not as if I can help how far apart our houses—_

I turn to the garage. _I could give him the bike._

_Yuu's gone._

_Nanako isn't old enough._

_Now it's..._

_It's just collecting dust, right_?

“Kanji, come over here,” I wave and open the door to the garage. “See that?” I point at my old scooter. “Take it. I don’t care—You shouldn’t be pedaling around in this.”

“R-really?” He suspiciously questions, back to crunching that damn ice as he ambles over to me. “You’re not playing around?”

I smack the side of his head. “I don’t joke around—And it’ll be safer to take home in the dark. Do you have a license?”

“Yeah!” he nods quickly. “Didn’t have enough money to get a bike yet, though.”

“I don’t use it,” I scoff. Kanji stares at it longingly.

“Nanako can’t ride it,” I rationalize.

“Oh,” Kanji remembers. “What about my bicycle?”

_Right. He rode it here..._

_How_ is he still alive?

“Go drink more water,” I order. “I’ll drop it off on my way to work tomorrow—Should fit in the car.”

I hand Kanji the keys after digging them out of the junk drawer. “That extra one’s the house key. Go ahead, it’s about time we gave you one. You’re over often enough,” I mumble at the end.

Kanji lets out an excited little cheer and actually hugs me. Too surprised to react properly, I almost hug him back.

Then I remember I don't hug—

_Anyone._

_I rarely even hug m_ y _own daughter._

_Only really ever hugged—_

I groan and push him away. "Too hot for this shit," I mutter, turning in any other direction.


	6. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nanako accidentally outs Ryoutarou's past relationship with Tohru. Uncomfortableness all around!

** Chapter Six: Kanji **

I’ve been staying over at the Dojimas’ a lot lately. I like helping Nanako with her schoolwork and doing projects and eating dinner with them.

My Ma has her own stuff going on a lot of nights—Meeting with friends or other shop owners. As long as I get my own work done and stay out of trouble, I’m trusted.

Ryou’s been coming home earlier, too. He’s in a better mood and it makes Nanako happy when she gets to hang out with both of us.

Tonight, I’m cooking. Nanako and I went to the store earlier to pick what we wanted and she paid, counting out the money herself. I acted super impressed that she’s so good with math and she loved that.

“So next...” I think aloud, looking down at the cookbook she’s holding. “We just fry these suckers?”

Nanako nods in agreement and holds out the plate of battered tempura. I drop the veggies in one at a time, making sure they don’t stick together.

Ryou gets home when we're dishing everything out. I hand him a plate and realize I smell like burnt food.

“Is it cool if I use the shower in the morning?” I ask.

“If you’re staying over, just take a bath with Dad,” Nanako suggests. “Like Adachi-san used to.”

Before I have even half a second to process that—

Ryou drops his plate he‘s so shocked! It shatters on the floor and he curses, getting the dustpan while I pick up the spilled food.

We're all very silent while we clean. Nanako looks like she knows she said something wrong, but she isn't quite sure what.

After dinner Ryou takes her upstairs super-quick. _I hope she doesn't get in trouble._

_I mean—This is Japan, that's normal enough._

But his face in that split-second told the real story. _Like it obliterated his defenses—All the shock and hurt he must have keeping down._

_It's been a whole year..._

"Kanji," Ryou sighs when he joins me back downstairs.

“I heard _nothin’_ ,” I try to prematurely assure him.

He groans and walks into the kitchen where he opens a cabinet. Ryou chugs a whole jar of shochu before he joins me on the couch carrying two more.

"I should tell _someone_ the truth," he mutters as he pulls the tab on number two. "And you seem to be my closest friend, Kanji, like it or not."

_I really don't think I wanna know—_

"I was in a relationship with Tohru."

_—Annnnd there it is._

The minute it's out of his mouth, Ryou gulps down the remainder the second jar and starts in on the third. When the liquor's gone, he throws the glass jars to the tatami. They bounce dully, not making much of a difference to anyone.

When I look back over, Ryou's covering his face with one of his hands and shaking. "I trusted him— _Trusted_ the bastard—" he mutters.

_I don't know what to do. Don't have any idea._

"First person I've been able to let in since—" He makes a choked noise at the end and pounds the arm of the couch.

_What's the protocol for this?_

_How do you say anything to that?_

Ryou finally turns to me and his face is so empty and resigned. "Please," he quietly pleads. "Just don't tell—"

I'm moving before I can think better of it. I cut off whatever pathetic name or pronoun was going to be at the end of that sentence by wrapping an arm around this broken-looking person.

We sit like that for a long time, and I get the feeling this is the fist time he's able to openly admit that he misses whatever he had.


	7. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuu visits and calls Ryoutarou's attention to how this all looks.

** Chapter Seven: Ryou **

Yuu comes around for Golden Week. He tells me over the phone that he wants to stay with us and see all of his friends. Nanako and I are glad he has time to make the trip.

Kanji came by the first two nights and ate with us; looked like he was having fun catching up with his senpai. The second night he and Nanako cooked, and I think Yuu felt almost left out.

I had a stab of guilt as the boy paced the kitchen behind the other two. Yuu used to help Nanako prepare the food and he seems a little sullen that he's no longer needed.

They included him, mind you—It was more as if he was realizing how close Kanji and Nanako had gotten in his absence. _He looked almost intimidated._

I try not to think anything of it. Tonight Kanji is conspicuously absent. He hung out with Yuu earlier and then left, saying he’d see us again tomorrow at the gathering: all the kids are coming for the day, even the others also living in Tokyo.

_It’s been a while since my house has been this full. I think that’s why I like having Kanji around so much. Feels less empty—As if there’s more life around._

_He certainly makes every day an event! Kanji can easily get Nanako and I to have fun doing things we would normally find boring._

Once Nanako’s in bed, I pull out a deck of cards and hold them up for Yuu to see. “Game?” I casually ask, hoping I’ll get a chance to talk to him for a bit.

My nephew nods quietly, the way he always has, and joins me at the table. I shuffle and ask what he wants to play. We decide and I deal in silence.

“How do you like your old school?” I question, wondering what it’s like to move around for only the middle year. _Sounds rough. He didn’t have an easy time in Inaba, either._

Yuu smiles over the cards. “Like I never left,” he laughs lightly. “I gather things have been well here?”

“Yeah,” I snort. “They _are_ getting better...”

“You seem happy to have Kanji around so much,” he remarks.

I shake my head. “That kid _has_ been a big help.” I tap the edges of the cards on the table absently. “He seems really attached to Nanako.”

Yuu stares at me for a minute too long. He chews his lip anxiously.

“What?” I stupidly ask.

“And _you_ ,” he adds, emphasizing the 'you' in a funny way I don’t care for.

I blink. “What?”

He repeats himself and I know I’m getting agitated. “Not really—Do you mean because I gave him the bike?"

"You gave him the bike?" Yuu replies in a surprised tone. "I didn't know that... Maybe. Kanji—" My nephew shakes his head dismissively. "Is he always over this often?"

_Why do I feel as though I'm being interrogated?_

My throat feels dry. I swallow and take a sip of my coffee before answering with another question. "Are you saying I shouldn't let him drop by so much?"

Yuu's studying me cautiously— _Guardedly_. "Kanji's very trusting."

"What are you implying?" I counter, thumping the table.

“Why does he call you ‘Ryou’? Even I don’t do that.” When I don’t respond, Yuu sighs. “I’m not saying you meant anything by it, only that I noticed.”

_Translation: 'other people will notice'..._

_'If they haven't already.'_

"Don't let Kanji get the wrong idea," my nephew carefully warns me.

_I don't have anything to say to that—Because now I’m starting to worry that it's me who's getting the wrong idea._


	8. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things have shifted since Golden Week and Kanji gets fed up.

** Chapter Eight: Kanji **

It’s the second week after Senpai left, and I’m motoring over to the Dojimas’. Ryou’s been weird lately. He hasn’t been around as much—like before—and it’s got Nanako down.

And I miss hanging around him, too. _It’s not as much fun without his stupid smart comments. Or his so-obvious tsundere attitude._

And then there’s the thing Senpai said before he went back to Tokyo. He took me out for coffee and told me in such a roundabout way, but he made it seem like I shouldn’t go over as much as I do.

_Don't know why Senpai was like that. I like hanging around his family and they seem to like me. I don't know what to make of it, and I think I'm going to come clean and talk to Ryou._

When I arrive, I use my key and call out that I'm here. Nanako comes running over to me at the shoe cabinet while I take off my sneakers and helmet. She tells me about her day and what she wants us to do tonight.

I take a new project out of my bag— _A bracelet-making kit I put together myself._ She carries the bag to the kotatsu and dumps out the different sections. Ryou pats her head and helps her organize everything.

He holds up a hand when I walk over. "Coffee?" he asks me when I take a seat next to him. But he jumps up before I can answer.

"Sure," I shrug, though he's already in the kitchen pouring some.

Ryou comes back over and takes the seat opposite me this time. I frown and he pretends like he doesn't notice, passing me a mug and sipping his own.

I start to get aggravated by how indifferent Ryou continues to act towards me all night. He barely pays attention to the game we’re all playing, tapping on his stupid phone.

_Part of why I come over these days is to see him, too. I like both Dojimas, though these days I do particularly enjoy talking to Ryou. He's been opening up more and tonight has all felt like a step backwards._

After dinner, Ryou excuses himself, saying he has somewhere to be. Nanako complains and I can’t help feeling a little let down as well. "You're not gonna hang with us?" I sadly ask.

"Meeting a friend," he gruffly replies, already getting on his jacket and shoes. "I'll be home late, so go to bed on time," he tells Nanako.

Nanako looks up at me after he leaves the house. I fold my arms and try not to frown. "Don't worry, kid," I tell her. "Probably work."

_Didn't seem like it._

She looks kind of angry that we got ditched. I take Nanako's hand and walk us back to the kotatsu. "Here—Let's finish this. I'll stay till your dad gets back, okay?"

He never comes home and I end up sleeping on the floor of Nanako's room. I stay up wondering why I care so much— _I still get to be around Nanako. I like spending time with her._

When the door closes quietly the next morning, I walk downstairs, foolishly hoping it's my turn for some attention. I know I'm acting dumb, but I can't help it. I'm half-asleep and I really did want to ask about Senpai.

"Hey Ryou," I quietly call, seeing him standing next to the coffeemaker, arms folded.

His face looks like he's aggravated and in pain. "K-kanji," Ryou stammers as he nods. "You're still here?"

"Yeah," I easily reply. "Nanako asked me to stay. Are you mad?"

"No," he bristles, turning away to pour the coffee into a mug for himself. "But when _are_ you going home? You can't live here."

I get right up on his face, annoyed and hurt that he's being such an asshole and I don't even know why. "What's your problem, man?" I demand. "I don't understand what's up with you lately. You come home late or not at all—Nanako's worried!"

_I'm worried._

"You're making things difficult," I tell him.

Ryou glares. " _You're_ making things difficult," he repeats, sounding like he's in a snit now.

"Dammit," I grunt. "What's been with you lately? You've been such an asshole and I don't know why you're doing this—" I grab his arm and Ryou's eyes widen. He jerks away, grimacing.

_What the fuck?_

_Now I'm getting angry. What the fuck is his problem?_

" _What?_ Can't even stand if I touch you?" I huff.

"Kanji," Ryou sighs, pushing his hair so it sticks up funny. "That's not it. You know I care about you. Right now—"

"No!" I declare and he jolts. "I don't wanna hear your bullshit. I'm out of here!!"

Ryou is quiet while I grab my stuff and put on my shoes. _I don't need this shit._


	9. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ryoutarou is being a ball of angst, per usual. He's looking at everything through a different lens now. Then there's the new mug he bought...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you've noticed, we've moved from "fun" to "angsty". This story has three stages before the resolution. Next will be "fighting".

** Chapter Nine: Ryou **

Fall again. It’s getting dark earlier and the leaves are starting to come down.

I'm up early and feeling like shit. I passed out in the living room after I drank too much. _Not that it's unusual, but I'd been drinking less, recently... Probably since Kanji's been staying over._

He _is_ trusting.

_It’s all..._

I apologized for being a real jerk maybe two months ago. He took it in stride and we're back to normal.

But it's not 'normal' anymore.

_Now I’m seeing it all differently. Like it’s tainted._

Like I’m doing something awful—Even the only thing I've actually done is be an ass to a nice guy.

Kanji is coming over today. He called last night and that's why I started drinking.

_One to take the edge off my paranoia. Another to take the edge off the only-slightly calmer feeling. Another to forget my past fuck-ups. Another to forget Kanji exists. Another to—_

_You get the drift._

So now I need to get my ass off of my couch and take a shower. _And I should cook for Nanako and myself. Make at least a cursory effort to be a parent._

When I'm changing, I notice the new coffee mug on my dresser. It's still in the damn cardboard box from the store. I bought it on a whim— _It looks like the other matching mugs, except it's purple. Same color as the dumb tank tops and sweaters that guy always wears._

But then I didn't even want him to know I'd gotten it. _Though maybe it'll be okay. It might smooth things over between us; I've still been distant and a shitty friend. He wouldn't read into it, right?_

_I won't, right?_

I kick my dresser, purposely stubbing my toes cause I don't know how else to take out my frustration without waking my innocent daughter. My foot hurts, but the rest of me has kicked into gear.

_It's worse just leaving it in the box. Hiding it away in my room._

_Validates that guilty feeling._

I take the damn thing downstairs, finally ripping it out of the cardboard. I grind fresh coffee, put it on, and grill fish. When Nanako comes down, it's a normal morning to her. I pass her food and her own cup, then sit down myself.

Kanji gets here halfway through breakfast. I tell him to get some food and pour himself a cup, knowing the purple mug is right next to the coffeemaker.

"This new?" Kanji quizzes, carrying everything over to the low table with us.

I nod slowly. "Yeah, you like it?"

"It matches ours, huh!" Nanako cheers. "Because Kanji's always over?"

"Yeah," I bite out. "Cause he's been our friend for so long. Even though I'm not always nice..."

Kanji beams, looking proud of the thing. "Thanks," he tells me.

"Don't," I reply, shaking my head. "It's nothing."

_Please don't make me regret this._


	10. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas, everyone!

**Chapter Ten: Ryou **

I’ve been drinking by myself because I have tomorrow off and don't want to go out with my damn coworkers. _Fucking Christmas. Hate it._

By the time Kanji gets here, I’m going to be pretty plastered. But I can't muster up enough _anything_ to care.

_Why’s he even coming by today? Nanako’s over at her friend’s._

_Dumb, friendly..._

_Reminds me a little of the good parts of—_

I sigh and pop open another can. _Shove it down._

_Shove it all down._

I don't know if I fell asleep or actually passed out, but the next thing I notice is someone shaking me. Kanji is looking down at me, concerned

"What's wrong?" he asks. "You don't look so good... I know you were clearly drinking, but are you sick?"

_Yes._

He leans down and presses our foreheads together, concentrating to see if I have a fever.

_For fucks' sake—Yes I am sick._

And it's a blindingly searing guilt—knowing I've let this go unchecked, let us get so close, and now I have to take it away—like a dull blade sawing through my heart.

"Kanji," I start, and my voice cracks. I grind my forehead into his and can see the kid's trusting eyes full of worry. "You can't—" I sigh loudly.

_Before I lose my nerve like again. Before I decide it's nothing again._

_Before I convince myself it's nothing again._

I take a deep breath. " _Don't stay over here anymore._ "

"W-why?" he blankly questions. Not following because it was a complete non-sequitur.

I grumble and lay down on the couch again. "Because you _can't_ , Kanji."

"That's so not fair!" he shouts, folding his arms. _So loud._ "Why do you get to decide that on your own?"

I roll over and face the wall. _I hope he goes away._

He doesn't.

"Oi!" Kanji yells. "I'm talking to you!!" He tries to roll me over and eventually succeeds.

_Make this a lesson—_

Before I can think better of it, when he grabs me by the collar and gets in my face to yell at me again, I kiss him. I just do it, praying he'll get the message and _go the fuck away._

_Just stay away this time. Don't make me say it—_

Kanji drops me—Shocked. He opens and closes his mouth a few times, at a loss for words.

“Get out!” I bark. “Leave your key.”

Kanji looks like I punched him in the gut. He scrambles to the front hall and I can see him take his key off the fob he has. He throws it on the table with the phone.

I hear the front door slam a short time later.

 _'This is what you had to do,'_ I tell myself.

 _'It's better this way,'_ I try again.

 _'At least you threw this one out yourself,'_ I plead with my brain.

No go. I drink until I pass out again.


	11. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji confesses first.

** Chapter Eleven: Kanji **

I don’t go back to the Dojima’s for almost a week. Nanako keeps calling and asking when I’ll have time and I feel real shitty about it—For not seeing her cause I had a problem with Ryou. _It’s not fair to the kid._

I finally give in on a Wednesday. _I remember from before he’ll definitely be home late cause he has meetings on Wednesday nights. So I’ll be able to hang out with Nanako without bumping into Ryou until..._

_Well I don’t know ‘until what’._

We haven’t spoken since then, and I’ve made sure not to run into him. The way he yelled at me after really pissed me off—

Acting like it was my fault he—

He—

_Fuck!!_

_It was bad, wasn’t it?_ It’s not like I’m a kid, but I'm not quite eighteen, and I know he's gonna have a problem with that.

 _It’s pretty bad._ He’s probably pissed at himself for getting so sloshed and doing that. Probably why he's avoiding me, too.

 _It’s probably really bad, to him._ He probably sees me the same as the others my age.

_It’s not that I don’t like him._ _It's that I realistically know he’d never like me._

I push all that crap away as I near the house, excited to see Nanako after so long. I knock on the door and it takes her a minute to answer.

“Why didn’t you just use your key, Kanji?” she asks, pulling it open for me.

I rub the back of my neck. “Ah, you know... It’s on the bike keyring, and I can’t ride the bike when there might be ice,” I easily lie.

Nanako stares at me suspiciously—Which I can’t blame her for. We _are_ both in tee-shirts.

She ends up asking me to take her to the store and we cook dinner and everything. _I can't say no..._

Of course I'm still there when Ryou gets in, super late. He pulls up short when he sees me. "Eve-ning, K-kanji," he fumbles his words, not even looking at me.

Nanako frowns and I roll my eyes. "I've got to jet," I tell her. "You and your dad can finish up without me."

"It's fine," Ryou grunts, setting his things on the tall table and sitting with us. "Let's forget before— _Ah_ , the food smells good." He sounds dejected and I want to punch him. _It's not fair for him to act like this is on me._

After Nanako's in bed Ryou and I sit in silence. Neither one of us wants to touch the situation. _He knows I'm pissed and I know he's going to act like a loser about the whole thing. He always tries to weasel out of uncomfortable topics._

"Let's forget it," Ryou tells me when I get up to head home. "I was drunk—It was a mistake."

"You said my name," I tell him. "It _wasn't_ a mistake."

"I shouldn’t have done that," he says next.

I snort. "Well you did. And I've been thinking about it."

"Oh no," he moans. "Don't _think_ about it—" Ryou puts his head in his hands and makes aggravated noises.

"Hey!" I sharply tell him. "Too late!! It's done—You did it, now you _deal_ with it." I jump up, feeling flustered and pissed and _I think I'm going to_ —

I open my mouth to speak and Ryou looks up at me, a terrified expression playing across his features. "No," he shakes his head. " _Don't_ —"

"I like you!" I spit, jabbing my finger at him.

" _Fuck,_ " Ryou slaps my hand away smacks his forehead. " _No_. No, you don't..."

"Yes I do," I declare, folding my arms. "And if you wanna preserve whatever friendship we have, you'll take me seriously."

Ryou sighs drooping. He leans on his knees and rubs his face.

"Tell me you don't like me and I'll drop it. If you don't like me _at all_ , we can go back to just being friends, okay?" I courageously ask.

He doesn't say anything.

I finally give up for the night and tell him bye. I say that I'll start coming around again and that I'm not giving up. Ryou doesn't even bother to complain.


	12. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanji's birthday. "And no one ate dinner that night." (They do—There's cake, but it's in angry silence from both sides.)

** Chapter Twelve: Kanji **

I walk over to the Dojimas' for my eighteenth birthday. Ryou halfheartedly invited me, insisting I wouldn't want to come because Nanako's out at someone else's house.

_Then why even invite me?_

When I arrive, Ryou pulls open the door and greets me before trudging back to the living room. When I poke my head through the entranceway I can see he's on the couch nursing a beer.

I sigh and take off my shoes. "Why're you drinking?" I scold.

"Why _can't_ I drink?" he replies. "It's a party right?" He takes another swig and stares back at me defiantly.

"Now I'm eighteen," I tell Ryou. "You gonna share?" I try to joke.

"You're eighteen, not twenty," he chuckles. "I'm a cop—No, you can't have any. I'd need to arrest myself."

I raise my eyebrows challengingly and walk over to him. "Still not an adult to you?" I ask. "I can drive now.”

"That's true," he nods. "So?" he takes a sip of his beer. There are several more cans on the table, some empty and some full.

"Why'd you invite me over, old man? Nanako isn't even here."

Ryou snorts. "Don't call me that, you bratty kid." He shakes his current drink and then finishes it. He crushes the can and sets it down. "You're my friend, I should do something even if Nanako's too busy."

After a pause, Ryou sighs. “You know she’s been asking questions, right? Questions I don’t know how to answer.”

“I could answer them,” I offer with a grin.

“Hnn. I told you we’re not doing this.” He gesture to the kitchen table. "There's a cake."

I look over at the box from the bakery. _Probably good cake... He knows I like pastries and sweet things._ I resist the urge to go dig in.

"Uh-huh," I reply, forcing my gaze back to the man on the couch. "How much did you drink?"

"Enough," he sniffs, opening another can. “But _not_ too much.”

I fold my arms. "And you only invited me over out of obligation, huh?"

"We've been friends for three years. It's a pretty _big_ obligation," he carefully tells me, voice slightly sarcastic nonetheless. "You're my only friend." Ryou glances at the table again. "You want the cake?"

"I want a lot of things."

Ryou sighs and chugs his current can of beer. "What do you want, Kanji?"

I walk over and squat so we're eye-to-eye. "I want you to tell me the truth, _Ryou_."

"About which thing?" he too-sweetly replies.

I sigh, raising a finger for each thing I want an answer to. "Why you've been avoiding me so much. Why you kissed me. If you really like me."

"Of course I like you," he replies, sounding a little offended. "But we're not going to be in a relationship. I can't do that. It's a shitty idea."

"But why?" I press, not giving in this time.

Ryou runs a hand over his face and groans. "All of my relationships have ended _so badly_! I _can't_ —” he groans. “I'm not doing that to myself—or to Nanako—again."

"I'm not Adachi," I assert.

He nods. "You're not Chisato, either. You're Kanji. And there are a million reasons why this could go so, so poorly."

"I'm not gonna—"

"I don't wanna hear it!" Ryou yells. "No—Of course not! No one _means_ to leave me, _but they do anyhow_!"

I flinch a little. _That's true. I've gotta give him that._

_But I'm not those other people._

"I thought you said I'm different than them. I'm _Kanji_ ," I tell him.

"You are," Ryou agrees. "And I care about you and that's why we can't do this."

"I'm supposed to get over you, just like that?" I question. "After you made the first move?"

Ryou turns red. "I did _not_!" he protests. "I only kissed you so you'd figure it out— _Everyone else could tell you were into me!!_ "

They can also tell that _you're_ into _me_.

_But you won't concede that, huh?_

"So how do I get rid of these feelings?" I ask him. I lean forward a little so our faces are close together and he can see that I'm angry—That I'm _hurting_.

That _he's_ hurting me.

Ryou grits his teeth and tries to reach around me for another beer. I grab his wrist and glare. "Help me figure this out. I can't just let go like that. It isn't that simple."

"You can't find somebody else?" Ryou demands. "No little girlfriend or something?"

"Really? _That's_ what you think I should do?!" I yell. "Just get a girlfriend and that'll cure me, huh!"

Ryou finally twists out of my grip. "Just find someone else and get it out of your system!” he spits.

_I could—_

“I could get it out of my system with you,” I try.

He actually laughs—A bitter laugh, but it’s still a laugh. “I don’t think that’s how it works for you, kid.”

“Cause you'd know, huh?” I goad.

“I know someone bad at no attachment when I see them,” Ryou returns. “You—? _No_. It wouldn’t work.”

“For me or for _you_?”

He looks me in the eye with a hard, challenging expression. “ _You._ ” Then Ryou pushes me away and finally grabs another beer. “Let’s have this cake and call it a night before it gets too late.”

The cake _is_ really cute: pretty and white with fruit and a piece of chocolate with “happy birthday” scrawled across it. We eat in silence.


	13. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A regular night. Ryoutarou is still not addressing the issue.

**Chapter** **Thirteen: Ryou**

We’re speaking, and Kanji is coming over more often—Like he used to. _But I’m fairly certain I’ve screwed our relationship up too much for us to really be friends again._

_And I don’t have a lot of friends._

I don't know why I'm still fighting it. _I know how I feel. I know how that persistent pain in the ass feels._

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing—Or _supposed_ to do, for that matter. It’s been a little over a week since his birthday and my frustration is finally boiling over.

“You want to know the truth?” I ask when we’re alone.

I clench one of my fists—aggravated—and I know I’m glowering. Kanji stares like he’s confused.

“You— _Your_ —” I fumble my words. “You’re a good kid,” I finally manage, getting control of myself.

Kanji groans loudly. “Don’t gimme that shit!”

"You remind me of another person I thought was a good kid," I defensively correct. "That's all. You're not— _You're different._ And I'm not nearly as trusting."

"You don't trust me?" he challenges.

"You're eighteen—"

Kanji cuts me off, saying that's older than sixteen. "And _definitely_ older than thirteen. You're a cop, you should know that—”

" _This can't happen._ " I smack the table. “You need to understand that.”

_Yes—_

_I’ve definitely screwed things up too much._

He glares at me from across the kotatsu, gripping the damn purple mug. I stupidly glance at it and it’s as if he’s just remembering the thing. “This—” Kanji questions.

“What about it?” I reply, not giving an inch.

The brat uses his opening to get me. “Who else did you buy a mug for?”

“A few people,” I carefully tell him.

Kanji stares me down. “Chisato had one. Adachi had one. The others were family.”

“Then pretend you’re family,” I smartly state. “ _There_. All settled.” I wave my hand dismissively.

He rolls his eyes, exasperated. _As if I can’t see the point he’s trying to make._

_He knows I get it, right? I’m simply refusing to acknowledge any of this._

“Just tell me I’m wrong,” Kanji says, shaking his head. “That’s all you have to do. I’ll believe you—You’re not a liar.”

_I am not a liar._

I don’t say anything and we spend another evening staring each other down. It’s a losing battle of wills.


	14. Kanji

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today's the day~ They both finally admit the truth. Still argumentative, but yeah it happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the chapter that has the one M scene. Is lime. If that squicks you out, well now you know it happens so you can skip today and wait for tomorrow :D Today's summary should suffice!

** Chapter Fourteen: Kanji **

I come by more and more often, even though it’s been mostly Ryou and I sitting in argumentative silence. It’s been a few weeks and I haven't given up.

But today I’m hoping to knit with Nanako.

Unfortunately, only Ryou’s home. He sighs when I step inside. _Maybe I should’ve called first._

It’s snowing. _I’d rather not walk right back home._

 _I’d_ _rather_ _work out some of our issues, but I doubt he'll let us._

I can tell that Ryou’s been sitting at the kotatsu watching TV. He’s got his mug on the floor by his seat and there’s a half-eaten mandarin on the tabletop.

“It’s snowing,” Ryou tiredly remarks after I take off my jacket. “You want a cup of coffee?”

I nod, thanking him. He refills his and hands me mine in the purple mug that matches my sweater. I glance between them and Ryou rolls his eyes, as if acknowledging the connection is still beneath him.

We sip the hot liquid in silence, not really watching the Manzai duo on the screen. They’re loud and funny, but neither of us can muster a laugh.

“Where’s Nanako?” I finally question.

“You didn’t know?” he asks, sounding surprised. “She’s off visiting her mother’s parents this week. Thought she would’ve told you...”

I sigh. “I haven’t been able to see as much of her, cause she’s been busy with school. And you didn’t tell me because _we_ haven't been getting along.”

“We’ve been getting along fine,” Ryou stubbornly insists. We lapse into silence again until he sets his coffee cup down. “Are you really not going to let this go?”

“No, dammit!” I shout before I can stop myself—It startles the both of us. We don’t speak for what feels like forever.

Ryou reaches out and takes my mug away. He places it on the table and raises one of his eyebrows. “Fine.” He holds out his hands to me and I take them, curious.

I’m tugged on top of Ryou and he stares at me seriously. “One time. Clothes stay on. We don’t speak about it ever again—Those are my conditions.”

_I don’t believe you._

“Wipe that smirk off of your face, Kanji. _I’m serious._ ”

“Okay,” I agree.

He leans forward and lightly kisses me. “There, done?” he tries, pulling back.

It’s my turn to roll my eyes. “No.” I lean towards Ryou this time and he lets me put my lips on his.

I don’t know what I expected, but it's nice. I feel calm and he looks like he’s starting to relax a little, too.

I’m surprised when Ryou pokes into my mouth with his tongue— _Wasn’t sure how far he was going to let me get. But this is more than I figured._

And now we’re really kissing and I’m starting to get uncomfortable. I shift around and press myself against him. Hadn't even realized Ryou was gripping my hips, but then he pulls me even closer until I can’t help letting out a noise. He’s kneading little circles with his thumb and holding me to him with his other hand, which is lightly resting on my back.

“Nn,” Ryou sighs, suddenly pushing me away a little. I’m about to complain, but then he reaches for my belt buckle. I stay still, feeling like if I so much as move he’ll remember he said he wasn’t going to do this.

Ryou’s gaze flicks up to mine for a second. “They’re staying on,” he contends, though he reaches inside the top layer to touch me through cloth.

“ _Shit—_ ” I gasp, unsure what to do with this new sensation. I can feel him rubbing and then stroking me until I can’t take it anymore. “ _I’m—_ ” I try to warn him.

Ryou seems unbothered by the slight mess. He wipes his hand on his shirt and redoes my pants. Then he looks at me with an expression that’s definitely supposed to tell me it’s over.

_But I can hear that his breathing is heavier than before and I think he’ll let me—_

So I reach over and try to repeat what Ryou did to me. He resists a little, telling me I “don’t need to”.

"I _want_ to,” I assert.

Ryou swears and balls his fist in my sweater, giving in. Holds me close with his other arm.

“What?” I tease, enjoying being in charge. “Been a while?”

“You wanna ask me that _now_?” he growls, not amused.

I must frown or something because Ryou pushes me away from him again. He grabs me by the wrists and holds me still. He catches his breath for a minute and looks really uncomfortable himself. “If I told you that you _aren’t even_ the first since Tohru, would that put an end to all of this?” he seriously questions me. “This isn’t—”

I shake my head hard and he groans loudly, dropping my wrists. “Just tell me I’m the _last_ ," I demand, feeling that’s going to be the final blow.

_And it is._

“Fuck—” Ryou sighs, sounding exhausted. He leans back against the couch and stares at the ceiling. “ _I give up..._ ”

“Really?” I question, still suspicious.

He tilts his head a little to glare at me. “Yes, really— _I like you, alright?_ ” I start to smile wide. “Stop that—There are gonna be more conditions.”


	15. Ryou

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Later the same day, through evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for taking the time to read my story. Please let me know what you think and thank you for supporting me all along!! :D I truly appreciate all the comments and likes and would especially like to thank Nekoburi and CuppaCrazy for their continued support!! It really gives me the motivation to keep going :)
> 
> Illustration by artist Skyden and myself to go along with this story:  
> https://akaicchi-chosha.tumblr.com/post/165687243651/sketch-by-alaurable-littleapplis-coloring-by-me

** Epilogue: Ryou **

Kanji and I finish what we started and then I offer to wash our clothes. I can’t send him home looking like—

_Ugh what the fucking hell have I done?_

This has got to be the _stupidest_ —Most _idiotic—_

Not-thought-out _—_

_—Fuck._

I treat the setting stains and the two of take a shower while the tub fills. I told Kanji he can stay here. He can just wear some of my clothes—if they’ll _fit_ his gigantic frame—until his are clean again.

Kanji sits on the traditional wooden stool while I scrub down. Then I ask if he wants me to wash his back. Kanji grins happily and tells me “yes”.

“Haven’t had this since I was little,” he offhandedly remarks.

I grunt derisively. “What?” I unkindly start. “Is this just a ‘ _dad thing_ ’?”

“No,” he groans. “I figured you’d say that at some point, though. I have my own family, thanks,” he sarcastically tells me. “And now I have yours—But they’re separate. I don’t think of you like that _at all_. You’re not really the parent-type.”

“I have a daughter,” I protest. “You can’t even say I’m a _little_ fatherly?”

“Are—Are you _hurt_?” Kanji incredulously questions. I grumble and whip him with the facecloth.

I sigh. “No, asshole. Here,” I pass the cloth to him and Kanji points for me to sit so he can wash my back, too.

Then he cleans himself, we rinse off, and lastly climb into the large tub, side-by-side. “So the ‘other conditions’?” Kanji finally asks.

“Hnn.” I run a hand through my hair and Kanji snickers when it sticks up. I shake my head. “That was it,” I tell him. “No more of _any_ of this until you’re done with school. It’s...” I hesitate, knowing he’s going to get angry at me for even saying it. “It’s probably not right.”

Kanji snorts. “That’s stupid. Age of consent here is thirteen, and it’s not like we had sex.”

“That doesn’t make it _right_ ,” I object.

_This kid is mature but it still bothers me that he’s closer in age to Nanako than myself. He’s even younger than Tohru._

“Here’s the thing—It doesn’t really matter either way. _I_ don’t feel right and that’s what's important.” I sigh. “So, tomorrow you go home and you don’t even stay over here again until you’ve officially graduated. You don’t push me, or any of this, and we’ll try it out afterwards.”

Kanji nods solemnly.

When we get out, I give him sweats that end up looking ridiculous. He’s too tall: the legs end halfway between his knees and ankles. I have to laugh and he yells at me, clearly embarrassed.

We spend the rest of the day under the kotatsu: chatting, drinking coffee, and playing cards, with the television still on in the background. _It’s a nice, easy afternoon._

Dinner is takeout, and the vibe is still positive. We’re getting along much better than we have been these last few months, now that everything is out in the open.

I want to sleep around nine and Kanji follows me upstairs. I don’t bother telling him no— _Had known when I said he can’t stay over again he was going to want to sleep in my bed._

_Really_ _—If I said ‘no’ after earlier, I’d be a total bastard._

So I let him snuggle into my futon while I smoke. He’s out by the time the cigarette is finished.

I walk back downstairs and find Kanji’s jacket. I take his key back out of the junk drawer and slip it onto the keyring from his pocket. It’s got a crocheted penguin on the end that makes me sigh.

_It’s these kinds of adorable little things that make me wonder what the hell I’m doing. It’s something that Nanako would like._

_But I guess it’s the fact that I don’t judge him for it. I know it’s ‘just like Kanji’ to love cute little animals and plushes and crafts._

Back upstairs, I lay down too. I quietly study the sleeping man. _I don’t know what makes him tick. I don’t know what the fuck he’d see in someone like me._

I don’t think about it too much though. At this point, I’m starting to be happy I have someone again. I’m starting to realize I like this.

I yawn, exhausted form the stress of today. I throw my arm over Kanji and he mumbles something incoherent. I laugh softly, and then let myself fall asleep, too. Feeling content for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM working on a sequel! It'll (most likely) be called WakataYo and is about their relationship once it starts. Like bumps in the road, people they have to deal with, being a family and, if you're wondering: yes a few more M scenes. I have a few chapters written. It won't be vignettes, but actual chapters this time. I've done the "challenge" now I get to enjoy the groundwork I've laid~  
> If you're interested in said sequel, please either drop me a comment and I'll link you when it's ready, or feel free to add me on social media! If you feel awks just adding me outright, leave a comment lol. I'm friendly! (Too friendly...)  
> Right now my main series, Mukidashite, takes precedence. I wrote WakaranAi in about a week with my spare time so it shouldn't take too long! If you're interested in more if my writing, Mukidashite is Adachi/Doijima, five years post-canon. There are other ships too, but that's the main pairing.


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